I'm Sick Of Being Sad

i am a slave to my emotions
i cannot fake what i don't feel.
neither can i fake what i do feel.

i am sick of being sad, too.
but this is not a gimmick.

all the sadness, anger, guilt and fear
i wish for them to disappear.
for this is not me.
and as much as i miss the world & you, i miss me more.

to fully heal,
i cannot bury or ignore these emotions.
this healing process takes time.
i need to give my heart time to heal.
but i am not sure how much time i have left.

at times, i thought i got over it
but waves of sadness, anger, guilt and fear keep coming back.
and i hate it when they do.

just waking up is a struggle
that is why i know i am not me.

i beat myself for being weak
but who is the tough cookie?

get me out of this.
i am sick of being sad.

Separuh Jiwaku Pergi

Memang indah semua
Tapi berakhir luka

Benar ku mencintaimu
Tapi tak begini
Kau khianati hati ini
Kau curangi aku

Kau bilang tak pernah bahagia
Selama dengan aku
Itu ucap bibirmu
Kau dustakan semua
Yang kita bina
Kau hancurkan semua


---------------------------


When a friend asked me to listen to this song this afternoon, it was like poking a blunt HB pencil right through my chest.

O God
Give me the courage to accept things I can't change
Give me the courage to change the things I can
And the wisdom to know the difference.

Even Superman Has Only Lois Lane! :p

Early in the morning I put breakfast at your table,
and make sure that your coffee has its sugar and cream
Your eggs are overeasy, your toast unlikely,
all that's missing is your morning kiss that used to greet me
Now you say the juice is sour, it used to be so sweet,
and I can't help but to wonder if you're talking about me
We don't talk the way we used to talk, it's hurting so deep,
I've got my pride, I will not cry, but it's making me weak
I'm not your superwoman
I'm not the kind of girl that you can let down,
and think that everything is okay
Boy I am only human
This girl needs more than occasional hugs
as a token of love from you to me

I fought my way through the rush hour trying to make it home just for you
I want to make sure that your dinner will be waiting for you
But when you get there, you just tell me you're not hungry at all,
you said you'd rather read the paper and you don't want to talk
You like to think that I'm just crazy when I say that you've changed,
I'm convinced I know the problem, you don't love me the same
You're just going through the motions and you're not being fair,
I've got my pride, I will not cry, still I can't help but care

I'm not your superwoman
I'm not the kind of girl that you can let down
and think that everything is okay
Boy I am only human...(I'm only human)
This girl needs more than occasional hugs
as a token of love from you to me

I'm not your superwoman
I'm not the kind of girl that you can let down
and think that everything is okay
Boy I am only human
This girl needs more than occasional hugs
as a token of love from you to me

Oooh, baby
Look into the corners of your mind,
I'll always be there for you through good and bad times,
but I can't be the superwoman that you want me to be
I'll give my everlasting love if you'll return love to me
I'm not your superwoman

I'm not the kind of girl that you can let down
and think that everything is okay
Boy I am only human
This girl needs more than occasional hugs
as a token of love from you to me

Oh!!! If you feel it in your heart and you understand me,
stop right where you are, everybody sing along with me!
I'm the kind of girl that can treat you so sweet,
but you got to realize that you got to be sweeter to me
I need love, I need just your love, I'm not your superwoman

Were We That Easy To Forget?

Things Are Never What They Seem

things are NEVER what they seem.

i don't want to see things the same way again after 110610.

things are NEVER what they seem.

only true genuine ones would understand this.

things are NEVER what they seem.

for if they were, life would have been perfect.

and everyone knows, there is nothing perfect except Him.

wallahualam.


Write & I Shall Heal

You Know It's Bad When You Can't Even Cry It Out

SubhanAllah.

It's been a true emotional roller-coaster these last 2 weeks.
Been to the bottom of an endless chasm.

My body was in so much shock that it didn't have any fluid to turn it into tears.
Since the discoveries, I haven't cried a tear.
That, to me, isn't good.

No matter how macho - eh, macho plak - no matter how strong we think we are, crying it out helps.
But I haven't managed to do that.
Emotional amputation?

People thought I was a tough cookie
But in actuality, I am only human.
I crashed.
Almost thought that was the end of me.

Only God can present me with such challenge and only He can help me heal.
Only He can make things happen... or not.

The one thing that keeps my sanity and keeps me at peace is when I am with Him.
I have done so many mistakes in my life, might have abandoned Him along the way, too.
For that, I am embarrassed.

I cry even when I am asleep but I can never see the tears.

Today, another 'news' came in.

MasyaAllah.

Write & I Shall Heal.

Take It From Here - Skeptically

Sometimes, sometimes the world gets hard

Oh na na na
I'm gonna take it from there girl
Don't you worry

I wanna be your lake or your bay
And any problems that you have
I wanna wash 'em away
I wanna be your sky
So blue and high
And everytime you think of me
I wanna blow your mind

I wanna be your air
So sweet and fair
So when you feel that you can't breathe
Ma, I'll be there

I wanna be your answer, all the time
When you see how I put your life before mine
With no question

When all the love feels gone
And you can't carry on
Don't worry, girl
I'm gonna take it from here
Just as sure as the sun will shine
Every morning, everytime
Don't worry, girl
I'm gonna take it from here

I wanna hold your hands
Review all your plans
I wanna make sure everyone of your dreams will stand
I wanna be your broadway show on review
(Why)
So I can act out how God was when he made you
I wanna be your lighthouse when you get lost
I'll light a bright and shining path to help you across
I wanna be your mother, wait
See what I see
And when you see that can't nobody hold you like me
Cause I love you

When all the love feels gone
And you can't carry on
Don't worry, girl
I'm gonna take it from here
(Take it from here, baby)
Just as sure as the sun will shine
Every morning, everytime
Don't worry, girl (no no)
I'm gonna take it from here

And when there's no one there to hold
And you realize the world is cold
Don't worry, girl
I'm gonna take it from here
That's what I'm gonna do
Just as sure as the sun will shine
Every morning, everytime
(Don't you worry, baby girl, baby girl)
Don't worry, girl
(Baby girl)
I'm gonna take it from here
(I'll take you whereever you want)

Give me one reason why we should not be leaving
This world is so deceiving, the time is now
Let's fly away speeding
Through the Garden of Eden
Where all the sweet breathing of love surrounds

When all the love feels gone
And you can't carry on
Don't worry, girl
I'm gonna take it from here
Just as sure as the sun will shine
Every morning, everytime
Don't worry, girl (no no)
I'm gonna take it from here

Give me one reason
Why we should not be leaving
This world is so deceiving
The time is now
Lets fly away speeding
(We'll fly away)
Through the Garden of Eden
Where all the sweet and breathing
Of love surrounds
(Lets get away)

When all the love feels gone
And you can't carry on
Don't worry, girl
I'm gonna take it from here
Just as sure as the sun will shine
Every morning, everytime
Don't worry, girl
I'm gonna take it from here
(I got somethin' I wanna tell ya baby)

Love ain't always the way they write in books
(No, no)
See there's the good guys
And also heartbreak crooks
Your hearts the real book
Just take a look inside
'Cause it's a colorful illustrated guide

So there you go
Don't worry
I'll be the one
To help you weather the storm
I'll be there mami
No matter what time
No matter what place
You can always count on me
I'll take it from here

I accidentally came across this song ‘Take It From Here’ by Justin Timberlake last night.
Haven't heard the tune, yet, though. Just read the lyrics.

Don't you just wish that somebody was actually writing this song FOR YOU?

Then again, I've become very sceptical of anything nice nowadays.
I don't believe AT ALL that there are men - dead or alive - who can be this sweet, understand these words, could write such song for a girl - sober or drunk! (then again, when you're intoxicated, anything is possible, so I was told!)

I am hopelessly romantic at heart.
Hopelessly.

If merajuk, I do expect to be pujuk like no tomorrow.
That's how hopeless, I am.

Slalu berangan all the sweet things that a man would never do for me.
S-E-L-A-L-U!
Of course I know for one, none of the things I berangan will ever come true.
1. Because men are naturally KAYU to the max!
2. If not, tak de la namanyeh berangan, kan! :p

I am very old-school when it comes to falling in love.
Love the feeling but it sux, too.

I love like there's no tomorrow but of course I get hurt like no tomorrow, too.
Love comes before anything, because I believe without it, life would not meaning anything.
Love for God.
Love for yourself.
Love for your family.
Your siblings.
Your friends. Real friends.

I am a very one-man woman.
I am silly when it comes to this.
Very traditional. Sometimes, stupid jugak when I think of it.
Y'know those kinda crap "no fun without you" BS!
That's why I say I am silly when I am in love!

Almost everything in life... I learn the hard way.
And, I reckon nothing's gonna change.

Learning love the hard way is just an understatement of the definition for the word "hard".

Write & I Shall Heal.

Vanilla Twilight

The stars lean down to kiss you
And I lie awake and miss you
Pour me a heavy dose of atmosphere

'Cause I'll doze off safe and soundly
But I'll miss your arms around me
I'd send a postcard to you, dear
'Cause I wish you were here

I'll watch the night turn light-blue
But it's not the same without you
Because it takes two to whisper quietly

The silence isn't so bad
'Til I look at my hands and feel sad
'Cause the spaces between my fingers
Are right where yours fit perfectly

I'll find repose in new ways
Though I haven't slept in two days
'Cause cold nostalgia
Chills me to the bone

But drenched in vanilla twilight
I'll sit on the front porch all night
Waist-deep in thought because
When I think of you I don't feel so alone

I don't feel so alone, I don't feel so alone

As many times as I blink
I'll think of you tonight
I'll think of you tonight

When violet eyes get brighter
And heavy wings grow lighter
I'll taste the sky and feel alive again

And I'll forget the world that I knew
But I swear I won't forget you
Oh, if my voice could reach
Back through the past
I'd whisper in your ear
Oh darling, I wish you were here

Ask, And You Shall Receive

when you are in distress or suffering from anxiety:
Hadith #599 narrated by Abdullah ibn Abbas in Sunan Abu Dawood, The Prophet (pbuh) said:

if anyone continually asks pardon, Allah will appoint for him a way out of every distress, and a relief from every anxiety, and will provide for him from where he did not reckon